Sometimes I feel like a fake! I don't know why. I love my Lord with all my heart, yet sometimes I think I must not love him enough. Last night was one of those times.
I was listening to a Christian Radio program, and a woman named Sheila Walsh was being interviewed. I felt her words were both eloquent and honest. I found myself hanging on every word as she talked about her journey through abuse and mental illness. As she spoke about her journey, I thought "If only I had a faith like that." I won't go into the interview, but I think I want to buy her new book, The Shelter of God's Promises. And having checked out her blog this morning, I can highly recommend it. She can be found at sheilawalshblog.com
Okay - enough about Sheila. I need to get back to telling you why I feel like a fake. One reason is that I also have been in a mental hospital, not once, but three times. You see, I have an illness called bipolar disorder. I almost said, "I am a bipolar," but I've thought about this a lot and I realize that's like saying "That's who I am. That's all of who I am."
I'm thankful this is not the case. Bipolar illness is just a small part of who I am. I am a wife, mother, and grandmother. I am a writer and a thinker. I am a friend and try to be a humanitarian. And most of all, I am a child of God.
The reason why I've never gone public with my illness is that I was afraid to show all of me. In fact, fear has kept me from doing many things in my life. My first novel, mostly biographical remains on a shelf because I'm afraid of
God's Love is Magnificent!
publishers' rejections. The reason I didn't go para-sailing on my fiftieth birthday (something I really wanted to do) was because I was afraid of falling. Duh- of course you're going to fall back into the sea at some point. That's part of the experience.
Yet sometimes I fear I'm not good enough for God. And except for grace, it's true. Not one of us is good enough for God, but by Christ' suffering, we are redeemed. I'm fearful I'm serving my Savior in a way not pleasing to him. But by grace, I am redeemed.
I've been known to seek God's favor by living a performance based faith, and that is not what God wants - God wants us to say that we love him, and mean it. God wants us to accept his wonderful, unconditional love. And we need to recognize when we're given grace. Undeserved grace.
All of what I do for others must be because I love my Lord and love the people I am serving. When it comes to fighting hunger, I believe I am doing it out of that love. My only motive is to love them, not to seek a greater place in God's Kingdom. I do what I do believing that Jesus would do the same.So maybe I'm not a fake after all. And maybe I'll still go parasailing some day.
May God bless you and hold you in his loving arms today and each day of your life. Amen